Reinventing Chaos

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last night,

i drank too much coffee alone
i feel i could soar without wings

today,

my irritation twirls into a whirlwind – i feel destructive

i guess, it’s the espresso shot overpowering the milk and all these girls trying to write me off.

i wish i could give you the love as peaceful as the clouds.
just hanging around in silence.
a love as gentle as the morning dew
silently sitting on the leaves

the kind of love you need.

the kind of love where you wouldn’t have to feel guilty
for chasing the demands of reality
the kind of love
my stormy chest can not give.

i wish i was a tamed woman.
or a little bit more well-mannered.

the kind of girl who keeps quiet while she bleeds
and not the type who screams like her womb is being lacerated apart with your absence

i wish i was that.

I wish i could put my worries
to rest,
my insecurities to slumber
i wish i could tuck them all under my pillows
or bag and toss them into the oblivion

maybe it would be easier
for you to fall for me.
maybe then I’ll be much more deserving of you
and you wouldn’t hand me the moments you’d rather not talk.

maybe I’m a lot of work to ever start with.
i know now how
disaster brews on my hair
and i wear jeopardy like skin

if i could reinvent all of me
like how a clay reshapes and molds into the command of the artist’s hand, i would have.

i would give this tenacity up
and this inability to silence my thoughts about you when i’m with you
if that would make you stay.

you know, i would be anything
yes, anything
but the woman you’d rather not have.

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